Friday, November 16, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Mad As A March Hare.
Please excuse my long absence. Things have been going hellishly. Allow me to explain:
Well, first and foremost, I had quite the medical scare. As I may or may not have mentioned, I don't recall which, I've been having severe, nauseating and dizzying headaches for the past 4 or 5 months now. I've been to the doctor time and time again, and they just sent me off with painkillers. The last time I went, however, my primary care doctor looked into the back of my eyes, to discover that my optic nerve in my left eye looked a bit off. Bad. The swelling of the optic nerve, or papilledema, is caused by either meningitis or brain tumors. After a trip to an ophthalmologist to help confirm Dr. Pickett's initial diagnosis, I went to a neuro-ophthalmologist for a third opinion. As it turns out, my optic nerve is merely tilted from head injury, and so looks distorted. So, the only thing I gained from the experience, is I can now spell "ophthalmologist." But, I tell you, spending a week thinking you're gonna die is nothing fun. Having to tell your friends is even worse. Honestly, I never realized how many people care about me until this happened, and how many people don't that I thought did. Oh well. You learn who your friends are, right?
So, they still don't know what is causing my headaches, and I don't have another appointment until the end of November, then I lose Dr. Pickett for another year because she's having a second child. However, I believe their original theory is still in play. That being that my body is producing too much spinal fluid, causing pressure to build in my intercranial cavity. Woohoo. That requires a spinal tap for fixing. But I'd take it over the other option any day. Until then, I suffer with throbbing head pain, and a lack of tolerance towards much anything.
The stress of senior year is coming into play. With my GPA [1.45] and class rank [123/178] it's not likely for me to even be accepted to Salem State, let alone RIC, where I'd really like to go. Even then, I still don't really know what I want to do. I'd love to major in musical theater, but I know that the work for me would be overbearing. I'd really, truly love to be a vocal major, but all the schools that offer it or either far too expensive [20,000+] or private, which implies being expensive anyway. I'd most definitely enjoy majoring in psychology, but after my head injury, that sort of information get jumbled in my mind very easily. As well as the fact that I believe that one has to be mentally stable to work in any sort of field where I'd be closely working with people, and I can honestly say that I am not a mentally stable person in many a case.
Oh, le sigh. And poor me. Other things have been bothering me as well, but I'll save them for another time. At the moment, I'm creating a new RP character. You see, I have a friend who RP's as the Mad Hatter, and what's a Hatter without his March Hare? He's a really nice guy though, and he really is the human form of the Mad Hatter, I swear. 10/6 [The note on the Hatter's hat reads so] is his birthday, and he's mad as, well, a hatter. Honestly, the guy's crazy in the most witty and entertaining of ways. So, off I go. I must research and create.
Well, first and foremost, I had quite the medical scare. As I may or may not have mentioned, I don't recall which, I've been having severe, nauseating and dizzying headaches for the past 4 or 5 months now. I've been to the doctor time and time again, and they just sent me off with painkillers. The last time I went, however, my primary care doctor looked into the back of my eyes, to discover that my optic nerve in my left eye looked a bit off. Bad. The swelling of the optic nerve, or papilledema, is caused by either meningitis or brain tumors. After a trip to an ophthalmologist to help confirm Dr. Pickett's initial diagnosis, I went to a neuro-ophthalmologist for a third opinion. As it turns out, my optic nerve is merely tilted from head injury, and so looks distorted. So, the only thing I gained from the experience, is I can now spell "ophthalmologist." But, I tell you, spending a week thinking you're gonna die is nothing fun. Having to tell your friends is even worse. Honestly, I never realized how many people care about me until this happened, and how many people don't that I thought did. Oh well. You learn who your friends are, right?
So, they still don't know what is causing my headaches, and I don't have another appointment until the end of November, then I lose Dr. Pickett for another year because she's having a second child. However, I believe their original theory is still in play. That being that my body is producing too much spinal fluid, causing pressure to build in my intercranial cavity. Woohoo. That requires a spinal tap for fixing. But I'd take it over the other option any day. Until then, I suffer with throbbing head pain, and a lack of tolerance towards much anything.
The stress of senior year is coming into play. With my GPA [1.45] and class rank [123/178] it's not likely for me to even be accepted to Salem State, let alone RIC, where I'd really like to go. Even then, I still don't really know what I want to do. I'd love to major in musical theater, but I know that the work for me would be overbearing. I'd really, truly love to be a vocal major, but all the schools that offer it or either far too expensive [20,000+] or private, which implies being expensive anyway. I'd most definitely enjoy majoring in psychology, but after my head injury, that sort of information get jumbled in my mind very easily. As well as the fact that I believe that one has to be mentally stable to work in any sort of field where I'd be closely working with people, and I can honestly say that I am not a mentally stable person in many a case.
Oh, le sigh. And poor me. Other things have been bothering me as well, but I'll save them for another time. At the moment, I'm creating a new RP character. You see, I have a friend who RP's as the Mad Hatter, and what's a Hatter without his March Hare? He's a really nice guy though, and he really is the human form of the Mad Hatter, I swear. 10/6 [The note on the Hatter's hat reads so] is his birthday, and he's mad as, well, a hatter. Honestly, the guy's crazy in the most witty and entertaining of ways. So, off I go. I must research and create.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Martian Martian.
My three day weekend is over, and I'm still completely exhausted. No rest for me.
SAT's weren't that bad. Honestly, I don't see what everyone makes such a big fuss about. The only thing was that they were so damn long, with very little break time. I wouldn't have minded staying another hour or two if I got longer breaks in between. But, really, it was pretty simple. Like MCAS-extreme.
Sunday my mother and I went and saw The Full Monty, because Brad bugged me until I just bought tickets. It was actually pretty damn hilarious. I loved the way the set was built, with folding flats and all. And the five man orchestra could have easily been mistaken for fifteen. The story was hilarious, the characters were just as, and Brad was plain cute. And, oddly enough, watching male strippers with my mother wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it was going to be.
I made yet another attempt at seeing Mars on Sunday night, with no avail. We took the dog to the beach, only to discover that we were completely surrounding by high atmosphere clouds that could block even the sun. At this rate, I'm never going to see Mars. Oh well, I'm sure it'll show up again. Not like it's gonna go anywhere.
Oh, yeah. It was Kyle and my three month anniversary that day, too. I think he forgot again, as he did the last two. At least when we get past all the month ones, he only has to remember once a year. Though, I'm sure that he'll just forget anyway. Silly boy. Only got to talk to him for a quarter of a second because I was so exhausted. I still am. Almost fell asleep on my keyboard first period. I need to find some time to sleep.
I find it kind of amazing, though, how I've known him for a year and a quarter, and we've only been dating for three months, but it feels like I've known him for years, and have been dating him equally as long. I hope that turns out to be a good thing, and not a bad one. Gaia, I love him...
Anyway... Yesterday was the last day of the Topsfield Fair. It was also the only day it's rained in like a month. It was also the day that I went to the fair. With Maura, of course. Who else would I traverse an area filled with farmers, white trash, and families who are easy to frighten? As always, I felt bad for all the animals, and wanted to take them all home with me. Especially that one really cute horse that just looked lonely. And the bunny. And the owl. And the goat. And the cow. And the piglet. I could go on. Honestly. It was, however, the first time I got to see the derby. Ah, people racing cars around a double figure-eight style track, with every intention of breaking their competitor's cars to smoking, immovable wrecks. White trash heaven. And I enjoyed every moment of it. In the end, the winner of it all backed up into number 24's car, so number 24 punched the winner in the face. However, unfortunately, he still had his hemlet on, which made it no fun at all. Cops arrested the dude.
I get to see my counselor tomorrow, which I am totally pumped for. I haven't seen her in like three months, and it's been driving me crazy not having anyone to sort my thoughts for me. Kyle's a big help, but there's only so much he can do with the little time we speak. I have a feeling she might be happy to see me, too. Or, at least, she's deluded me into believing she actually cares, even though she's paid to do so.
SAT's weren't that bad. Honestly, I don't see what everyone makes such a big fuss about. The only thing was that they were so damn long, with very little break time. I wouldn't have minded staying another hour or two if I got longer breaks in between. But, really, it was pretty simple. Like MCAS-extreme.
Sunday my mother and I went and saw The Full Monty, because Brad bugged me until I just bought tickets. It was actually pretty damn hilarious. I loved the way the set was built, with folding flats and all. And the five man orchestra could have easily been mistaken for fifteen. The story was hilarious, the characters were just as, and Brad was plain cute. And, oddly enough, watching male strippers with my mother wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it was going to be.
I made yet another attempt at seeing Mars on Sunday night, with no avail. We took the dog to the beach, only to discover that we were completely surrounding by high atmosphere clouds that could block even the sun. At this rate, I'm never going to see Mars. Oh well, I'm sure it'll show up again. Not like it's gonna go anywhere.
Oh, yeah. It was Kyle and my three month anniversary that day, too. I think he forgot again, as he did the last two. At least when we get past all the month ones, he only has to remember once a year. Though, I'm sure that he'll just forget anyway. Silly boy. Only got to talk to him for a quarter of a second because I was so exhausted. I still am. Almost fell asleep on my keyboard first period. I need to find some time to sleep.
I find it kind of amazing, though, how I've known him for a year and a quarter, and we've only been dating for three months, but it feels like I've known him for years, and have been dating him equally as long. I hope that turns out to be a good thing, and not a bad one. Gaia, I love him...
Anyway... Yesterday was the last day of the Topsfield Fair. It was also the only day it's rained in like a month. It was also the day that I went to the fair. With Maura, of course. Who else would I traverse an area filled with farmers, white trash, and families who are easy to frighten? As always, I felt bad for all the animals, and wanted to take them all home with me. Especially that one really cute horse that just looked lonely. And the bunny. And the owl. And the goat. And the cow. And the piglet. I could go on. Honestly. It was, however, the first time I got to see the derby. Ah, people racing cars around a double figure-eight style track, with every intention of breaking their competitor's cars to smoking, immovable wrecks. White trash heaven. And I enjoyed every moment of it. In the end, the winner of it all backed up into number 24's car, so number 24 punched the winner in the face. However, unfortunately, he still had his hemlet on, which made it no fun at all. Cops arrested the dude.
I get to see my counselor tomorrow, which I am totally pumped for. I haven't seen her in like three months, and it's been driving me crazy not having anyone to sort my thoughts for me. Kyle's a big help, but there's only so much he can do with the little time we speak. I have a feeling she might be happy to see me, too. Or, at least, she's deluded me into believing she actually cares, even though she's paid to do so.
Oh, and, what a coincidence. Today I happen to be too tired to put on actual clothes, so I came in pajamas. Well, it happens to be pajama day. I came prepared and I didn't even know it.
Friday, October 5, 2007
Mi'kmaq, Get on Track.
Throw This Girl a Bone.
I feel like this week has actually been a whole month. My days are so long, by the time I go to bed my memory thinks that things that happened in the morning happened two days ago, the afternoon happened yesterday, and today only consists of the evening.
Today will be the worst. Six hours of school, rehearsal until five, have to be back at six for improv, get home at ten, and then I have to be up for 8am SATs. And I'm already exhausted from the rest of the week. I'm considering leaving the improv show during intermission to go home and sleep, but it depends on how awake I am after rehearsal. I mean, I'd love to do the whole show, but my SAT scores could make or break it for me, considering my grades from last year.
I've been spending my computer classes researching colleges. Even now I have three other tabs open, one at a Rhode Island College, one at Collegeboard.com, and one on my resume, which I feel like I've been working on forever. RIC has just the sort of program I'm looking for, it's not too far from home, but just far enough, I have a few friends in that area, it's in a city... But, I probably won't get accepted due to last year's grades, so I'm working my ass absolutely off to make up for being an idiot. That, and it's out of state which makes my tuition higher, and they find class rank very important. Though, they have less than 1% of American Indian students, which I will take advantage of. I actually just found out this morning that I'm Native American on both sides of my family. Which means, I may be more than I thought I was. I am so milking this for all it's worth on applications and scholarships. Thank you, Mi'kmaqs.
Today will be the worst. Six hours of school, rehearsal until five, have to be back at six for improv, get home at ten, and then I have to be up for 8am SATs. And I'm already exhausted from the rest of the week. I'm considering leaving the improv show during intermission to go home and sleep, but it depends on how awake I am after rehearsal. I mean, I'd love to do the whole show, but my SAT scores could make or break it for me, considering my grades from last year.
I've been spending my computer classes researching colleges. Even now I have three other tabs open, one at a Rhode Island College, one at Collegeboard.com, and one on my resume, which I feel like I've been working on forever. RIC has just the sort of program I'm looking for, it's not too far from home, but just far enough, I have a few friends in that area, it's in a city... But, I probably won't get accepted due to last year's grades, so I'm working my ass absolutely off to make up for being an idiot. That, and it's out of state which makes my tuition higher, and they find class rank very important. Though, they have less than 1% of American Indian students, which I will take advantage of. I actually just found out this morning that I'm Native American on both sides of my family. Which means, I may be more than I thought I was. I am so milking this for all it's worth on applications and scholarships. Thank you, Mi'kmaqs.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Wrath.
I am vexed. I am raging. I am so fucking mad.
It turns out that we don't have a big enough time slot for all the quartets to perform. So, the boys get their own slot and the girls have to perform as one. What the hell? What the fucking hell? That's not fair on so many levels, one, nothing against the boys, but why do they get to perform alone? Honestly, if there has to be two spots and only two, it should be the two strongest quartets, not the boys just because they're the boys. If they're one of the two best, fine. Regardless, it's completely unfair that we three quartets, that have worked so hard on our individual stuff, now have to perform as one, and why? Because the only way for us to get time in is to have the slot we already have at night, and then come back the next day at five. But, aw, if that happens we can't go to Williamsburg. I DON'T CARE. I'm not driving to fucking Virginia to go to Williamsburg, or even to go to Busch Gardens. I could give a flying fuck. I am going there to perform with my chorus, and my quartet. I absolutely don't care if I miss roller coasters or none of that. I want to sing with my quartet. I want to be judged by a group of professionals. I am SO mad. And, if it's unfair to us, it is beyond unfair to Vangie, who sacrificed her time to sing with two of the three quartets, so that three girls wouldn't have ended up without a quartet. She did not have to do that, by any means.
I plan on talking to my quartet, and seeing if they wouldn't mind sitting it out until five so we could perform. Maybe we can convince Nan to let us.
It turns out that we don't have a big enough time slot for all the quartets to perform. So, the boys get their own slot and the girls have to perform as one. What the hell? What the fucking hell? That's not fair on so many levels, one, nothing against the boys, but why do they get to perform alone? Honestly, if there has to be two spots and only two, it should be the two strongest quartets, not the boys just because they're the boys. If they're one of the two best, fine. Regardless, it's completely unfair that we three quartets, that have worked so hard on our individual stuff, now have to perform as one, and why? Because the only way for us to get time in is to have the slot we already have at night, and then come back the next day at five. But, aw, if that happens we can't go to Williamsburg. I DON'T CARE. I'm not driving to fucking Virginia to go to Williamsburg, or even to go to Busch Gardens. I could give a flying fuck. I am going there to perform with my chorus, and my quartet. I absolutely don't care if I miss roller coasters or none of that. I want to sing with my quartet. I want to be judged by a group of professionals. I am SO mad. And, if it's unfair to us, it is beyond unfair to Vangie, who sacrificed her time to sing with two of the three quartets, so that three girls wouldn't have ended up without a quartet. She did not have to do that, by any means.
I plan on talking to my quartet, and seeing if they wouldn't mind sitting it out until five so we could perform. Maybe we can convince Nan to let us.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Stormy Weather.
I hate when I'm right.
The dentist? Well, I argued with him for a good ten minutes. He was trying to convince me that it's okay for me to have novocaine. I just kept telling him, "YOU wrote it on my chart. I can't have novocaine. It doesn't work. It just makes my face swell up." But, he just kept insisting that it was fine. So, I just told him to go right ahead. Low and behold, I felt the entirety of the procedure, and my face was swelled for several hours. It still is, just a little bit.
I thought that would be the end of my bad day, but, oh no. When I have a bad day, I have a bad day. When Kyle came on to say goodnight, he was really upset because he was tired and stressed out and all he wanted to do was sleep, but he couldn't because he still had a ton of homework to do and he felt awful for not being able to make time for me. And knowing that he was like that made me feel absolutely terrible, and helpless. I actually curled up on the couch and cried for a half hour, just wishing there was anything I could do to help. I painstakingly offered to cope with only talking to him only once a week, if it would help take some stress off [he hasn't read the message yet]. What else can I do? I mean, I'm sure it doesn't make him very happy knowing that I'll wait for him, doing barely anything else, for hours on end, usually upset and having paranoid delusions that he's ignoring me, or that something's happened to him. And, then once he comes on, he usually can't stay for long, so I get upset when he has to leave. I know he doesn't have any other choice, so I should just stop being upset because it's not helping either of us. I told him before that he was going to end up stressing himself out. He bulks on activities after activities. And some of his grades are suffering as a result.
He didn't believe me when I said he thrives off of stress during the school year. I think he's beginning to see my point.
Oh, and it turns out my Oceanography teacher's been hitting on me. I thought he was just being nice to me because I'm the only person in the class with half a brain, but it always seemed kind of weird. Well, he handed back tests yesterday, I had gotten a one hundred to he made some sort of comment. Then, after he waled away, Sarah leaned over to me and was like, "You know he's been hitting on you, right?" Well, that explains that weird extra-friendliness. Now that class is totally awkward to be in.
So, now I sit here. Upset and worried, wondering if Kyle's okay. Today's a Tuesday, so I've got this class for an hour and a half. I've gotten through an hour, I still have a half left. Rehearsal tonight from Seven to nine. I'd much rather it be from two to five, because there's a possibility Kyle could be on between seven and nine. That's another thing; I wait so long knowing that the odds of him going to be on aren't good, because anytime I come on and see that he was on and I've missed him, I get really angry with myself. Even if I come on and see that he's on, and has been for a half hour, I get angry. Why didn't I come on earlier? Why'd I make him wait? So, instead of getting angry, I just wait. For hours. And, when I say hours, I mean hours. On Sunday, I sat infront of my computer for eight hours, just waiting. Afraid to get up and allow someone else on, afraid he might come on and I'd miss him.
Eh. I'm gonna call it quits for now and look at colleges. That's semi-productive, right?
The dentist? Well, I argued with him for a good ten minutes. He was trying to convince me that it's okay for me to have novocaine. I just kept telling him, "YOU wrote it on my chart. I can't have novocaine. It doesn't work. It just makes my face swell up." But, he just kept insisting that it was fine. So, I just told him to go right ahead. Low and behold, I felt the entirety of the procedure, and my face was swelled for several hours. It still is, just a little bit.
I thought that would be the end of my bad day, but, oh no. When I have a bad day, I have a bad day. When Kyle came on to say goodnight, he was really upset because he was tired and stressed out and all he wanted to do was sleep, but he couldn't because he still had a ton of homework to do and he felt awful for not being able to make time for me. And knowing that he was like that made me feel absolutely terrible, and helpless. I actually curled up on the couch and cried for a half hour, just wishing there was anything I could do to help. I painstakingly offered to cope with only talking to him only once a week, if it would help take some stress off [he hasn't read the message yet]. What else can I do? I mean, I'm sure it doesn't make him very happy knowing that I'll wait for him, doing barely anything else, for hours on end, usually upset and having paranoid delusions that he's ignoring me, or that something's happened to him. And, then once he comes on, he usually can't stay for long, so I get upset when he has to leave. I know he doesn't have any other choice, so I should just stop being upset because it's not helping either of us. I told him before that he was going to end up stressing himself out. He bulks on activities after activities. And some of his grades are suffering as a result.
He didn't believe me when I said he thrives off of stress during the school year. I think he's beginning to see my point.
Oh, and it turns out my Oceanography teacher's been hitting on me. I thought he was just being nice to me because I'm the only person in the class with half a brain, but it always seemed kind of weird. Well, he handed back tests yesterday, I had gotten a one hundred to he made some sort of comment. Then, after he waled away, Sarah leaned over to me and was like, "You know he's been hitting on you, right?" Well, that explains that weird extra-friendliness. Now that class is totally awkward to be in.
So, now I sit here. Upset and worried, wondering if Kyle's okay. Today's a Tuesday, so I've got this class for an hour and a half. I've gotten through an hour, I still have a half left. Rehearsal tonight from Seven to nine. I'd much rather it be from two to five, because there's a possibility Kyle could be on between seven and nine. That's another thing; I wait so long knowing that the odds of him going to be on aren't good, because anytime I come on and see that he was on and I've missed him, I get really angry with myself. Even if I come on and see that he's on, and has been for a half hour, I get angry. Why didn't I come on earlier? Why'd I make him wait? So, instead of getting angry, I just wait. For hours. And, when I say hours, I mean hours. On Sunday, I sat infront of my computer for eight hours, just waiting. Afraid to get up and allow someone else on, afraid he might come on and I'd miss him.
Eh. I'm gonna call it quits for now and look at colleges. That's semi-productive, right?
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